Conscious Parenting

Parenting is like the master class of all classes that no one could have prepared me for. This area of my life has challenged me the most but it has also been the most rewarding.

My oldest has dealt with more trial and error on my part like most firstborn children. So her personality is a mixture of temperament and learned behavior because I didn't always know how to express myself the way I do now. And I'm still learning how to replace old patterns so we can have a better mother-daughter relationship.

Again, I made a lot of mistakes. Even though my actions were unintentional they were still toxic. However, throughout our journey thus far, here's where we improved... if you are reading this it's not too late to make changes.

1. Apologize to your child and make amends. I grew up in a household where my parents did not apologize even if they were wrong. We would stay out of each other's way until we just started talking again. There was never a real sense of what went wrong or closure. I had to learn how to self-correct when I didn't handle things well. I would say I didn't handle that situation well. And say what I could have done differently. For example, if I was not as patient or raised my voice. I own it by saying I should not have yelled or talked to you that way. You don't deserve to be yelled at and I will do better at controlling my emotions because I don't want to hurt you.

If you don't go back and sort it out with them that will leave room for confusion. Also, allow your child share their feelings without telling them how they should or should not feel.

When it is the other way around let your child come back and talk things out if they acted in a way that was out of character. That reaffirms to your child that they are still loveable no matter what and they are allowed to make mistakes. And at the same time, your help can correct them if needed without affirming a negative reflection. For example "Did you hear my words" is different from "you don't listen". We tend to normalize insults or verbal abuse not even realizing how much negativity is being put out in a day without correction, especially in your home.

If you check yourself then your children will self-correct. So modeling healthy conflict resolution and self-regulation gives them tools that they need early in life.

Modeling is more effective than talking because our children when do what they see. When I was in the school setting we [my co-teacher and I] set the tone for the culture of the environment. The children modeled what they saw. They saw patience and empathy so was how they interacted with one another.

2. Encourage your child to have a voice. This is a big one. Children need to be encouraged to [respectfully] speak up for themselves.

If my daughters told me that I did something that they didn't like I had to accept it. The last thing I want is for them to shut me out because they think I can't be wrong. That was my way of showing them they don't have to without their thoughts or feelings.

It is necessary that we encourage our children to assert themselves in a positive way. Their voice starts and home. How we treat them teaches them how other people can treat them.

As we know, our children grow up to be adults.

These children in our care can start to learn earlier in life the skills that many of us adults are learning now. For example, recently, my daughter said "You know mommy you cut me off when I was talking and I don't like that. Sometimes I forget what I was saying. And I tell my friends I don't like when they cut me off too. I'm not trying to be rude. You said I can tell you when I don't like something." I will admit that I was half shocked and half like Yasssss honey! Check folks when you need to... even if it's me.

I like that she spoke up. I affirmed that she was right.I acknowledged that I need to work on not cutting people off because I need to be more mindful of it. I thanked her for being respectful about it too.

She did the right thing. I will continue to honor our agreement so she can trust that it is safe for her to speak up.

A few years ago I would not have received that conversation well. Or she probably would have kept it to herself. It is a very fine line to walk because I want her to honor feelings.

I think most of us that are more aware of how our childhoods shaped us can agree that it takes work to create the right conditions for our children to thrive however it is worth the effort.

Many of us are in therapy because the people that raised us needed therapy. We can change that by addressing our triggers, not making our issues theirs, and being more willing to listen to understand.

3. Raise your child according to their needs- not yours. Naturally, you want your children to have what you didn't. Let's consider that they have their own wants and interests. They have their own destiny altogether.

I am aware that [parenting is a lot of trial and error. Rest in knowing that you are being divinely guided just like are being Divinely guided. As we work on being more present, loving, and supportive the rest will sort itself out- that is what conscious parenting is.