Lessons in Mothering – Reflections on Connection, Grace, and Growth

If you ask ten people what a mother is, you’ll likely get ten different answers. Most will describe the kind of mother they wished they had, but what if you had the mother you truly needed?

I’ve never been a big fan of holidays, but my youngest daughter is the opposite. She loves every celebration, every special moment. This Mother’s Day, she brought me breakfast in bed – pancakes swimming in syrup – along with a handmade card and a ten-dollar bill she must have pulled from her own stash. My oldest daughter, true to her nature, simply gave me a kiss and a card, and that was more than enough.

As I took in their offerings, I felt a deep appreciation for the different ways my daughters express their love. It’s a reminder that even siblings growing up in the same home can have completely different experiences and require different versions of me as their mother.

Days like this also make me reflect on my own childhood – on the experience I had and the one I longed for. Since learning how to consciously parent, I’ve asked my daughters to extend me grace. It means a lot to me that we create a different reality, moving away from the cycles of disconnect, verbal or physical abuse, and unspoken wounds that have been normalized in many Black households. If you never got cursed out for forgetting to take the chicken out of the freezer, you might not be able to relate.

Now that I’m older, I can see how the stress of life, unprocessed trauma, and a lack of community support can take a toll on a person. I’m not excusing anything, but I understand now. And understanding has been a critical part of my own healing journey.

Here are a few things I’ve come to realize about my mother since becoming a mother myself:

Things I Learned About My Mother from Being a Mother

• She is a person before she is my mother.

• She did the best she could without the support she needed.

• She could only teach and express what she knew.

• She repeated the cycles passed down from previous generations.

• Parents carry traumas and triggers that many will never speak on, which keeps them stuck in old patterns.

• She is who she is. I can choose to accept her as she is or create distance.

• Her anger, frustration, and aggression often stemmed from unhealed hurt.

• She needs grace, too.

Things I’ve Learned from Mothering

• Some days, I’ll get it right. Other days, I’ll need to do better.

• Every day is a fresh start.

• Patience first, always.

• My children are more than capable of figuring things out. I don’t need to hover.

• I don’t need to mold them into anything. They have their own destiny.

• I can support them and still get out of their way because, just like me, they are divinely guided.

I’ve had to check myself many times because you don’t know what you don’t know until you learn otherwise. It’s a process. I can say with some confidence that I’m on the right track now – at least until the next growth spurt comes along.

Things I Want My Children to Learn from Me

• I love them as they are.

• They don’t have to earn my love.

With that said, Mother’s Day is every day. The bond between you and your mother can never truly be broken. Healing that bond – with all its complexities and contradictions – is sacred work. As you heal your heart, you heal hers and your children’s, too.

Reflect and Journal

Take a moment to reflect on your own relationship with your mother, or the maternal figures in your life. What lessons have you learned from being a mother or being mothered? What cycles are you breaking for the generations that come after you?

Consider writing a letter to your mother – whether she is physically present or in spirit – expressing what you’ve come to understand about her, yourself, and the journey you share.

With love,

Anusa ✨