Updated: Apr 18
If you ask ten people what a mother is you will get ten different answers. Most will describe the kind of mother they wish they had. But what if you had the mother that you needed?
I'm not a fan of holidays. My youngest daughter is the opposite. She loves every holiday.
This Mother's day she made me breakfast in bed (pancakes swimming in syrup lol) and she made a card and put $10 dollars in it. My oldest daughter gave me a kiss and a card.
I wholeheartedly appreciate their expressions of love today and every day.
I find it interesting to see how we connect differently and both require a different version of mothering from me. That goes to show how you can be siblings, live in the same home and have a completely different experience growing up.
And it's especially days like today when I reflect about my childhood and the experience I had and also mourn the experience I expected to have.
Since I've been learning how to consciously parent, I’ve openly asked them to give me grace. It means a lot to me that we move out of the space of toxicity that many black households have normalized i.e disconnect, verbal and or physical abuse, etc. I mean if you never got cursed out for not remembering to take out the chicken to defrost then maybe you can't relate.
Now that I'm older I can see how the stress of life and trying to figure things out can take a toll on someone especially when they don't have tools or the support of community. I'm not excusing anything but I understand. I wanted to share some aha moments I had along my journey thus far. Maybe something will resonate with you.
Things I learned About My Mother From Being A Mother
She is a person before she is my mother
She did the best she could without the help she needed
She could only teach/ express what when knew
She repeated the same cycle with us that was passed down from previous generations
Parents in general have their own traumas and triggers that many will never speak on so they can't let it go
She is who she is I can accept it or leave her alone
Her anger, aggression, frustration, etc stemmed from hurt
She needs grace too
Things I Learned From 'Mothering'
Some days i'll get it right. Other days i'll need to do better
Every day is a fresh start
They are more than capable of figuring things out I don't need to hover
I don't need to mold them into anything... they have their own destiny.
I can support AND move out of the way because while I am divinely guided they are too
I've had to check myself many times because you don't know that you're wrong about something until you learn otherwise. It's a process. And I think it's safe to say that now I'm on the right track -until it's time for us to grow.
Things I want my children to learn from me:
I love them as they are
They don't have earn my love
With that being said Mother’s Day is every day. The bond between you and your mother can not be broken and healing that bond is the work. As you heal your heart you heal her and your children too.
Happy Mother's Day. Know that you are loved today and every day.